


It's okay. I couldn't sleep anyway

by Writing_in_SIN



Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [16]
Category: Kamen Rider - All Media Types, Kamen Rider Ex-Aid
Genre: Almost Kiss, Depression, Dorks in Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Parad Needs a Hug, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Pseudo-Kiss, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22616212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_in_SIN/pseuds/Writing_in_SIN
Summary: In the moments when his sins feel too heavy, Parad fervently hopes that he won't drag Emu down with him— it's enough if Parad is the only one that drowns.
Relationships: Houjou Emu & Parad (Kamen Rider Ex-Aid), Houjou Emu/Parad
Series: 100 Ways to Say 'I Love You' [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538683
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	It's okay. I couldn't sleep anyway

**Author's Note:**

> If you like, come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://writing-in-sin.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Writing_in_SIN)

* * *

**"It's okay. I couldn't sleep anyway."**

* * *

It's on him.

The screams, the struggles, the choked pleas to be spared; the desperate scrabble of limbs against the ground, the cries of those who didn't vanish immediately.

One by one by one.

At the time, Parad thought that maybe he should grant a quick, painless death to everyone, but he was no death god— he was only a bugster made out of a hollow heart and sharp yet brittle grins and—

— he is so _tired_.

Some days are better than others. Nights are always a struggle when he's left alone to his thoughts. Parad hates being left to drown in his head, but he doesn't stop it either and at times, he wonders if it can be a form of penance. Would that be arrogant of him?

Maybe. Maybe not.

...Who knows?

It hurts. It's heavy.

When he's left alone with only his sins for company, it feels like a slow, agonizing wait for the end—

Damn it all.

His life is a study of mistakes; his hands destroy, tragedy follows every step he took, and everytime he closes his eyes, the guilt and shame and desperation and the gut-wrenching sadness wash over him.

In those times, Parad takes care to muffle the bond so as to not burden or worry Emu with the weight of his sins.

True, he may have stopped Gamedeus, died a second time to at least make up for his deeds, if only a little. He's finished his probation and house arrest. Is currently helping CR and the Ministry in their game disease research but—

Is that even enough?

...Will it ever be?

 _'It's worth it, right?'_ Hands gripping his head, he rests his forehead on the balcony railing with a sigh. _'I shouldn't hope for anyone's forgiveness. I mean, I know I won't get it nor do I deserve it but...I want it, please.'_

Letting out a hollow laugh, his mouth twists.

"How selfish," he mutters into the quiet night. "Dammit. I just want everything to be alright."

"It will be."

Stifling a shout, Parad snaps around to find Emu at the doorway of their balcony. The intern is wearing a hoodie over his Mighty pyjamas as he pads over to Parad in outdoor sandals.

Guilt washes over him; thinking that he didn't muffle the bond as well as he thought.

"Sorry," he whispers, wrapping an arm around his best friend to help stave off the brisk winds of the night. "Did I wake you?"

Emu shakes his head, snuggling into Parad's side as he winds an arm around his waist.

"It's okay," Emu reassures with that gentle smile of his, running his thumb in comforting circles against Parad's hip. "I couldn't sleep anyway."

Peering down at the way Emu's eyes are still wide and alert despite the late hour, Parad feels a sliver of worry at the unusual bout of insomnia.

"How come?"

Emu hums, tightening his hold on him and turns to give him a stern frown. "I hate it when you muffle the bond."

"...you can tell the difference now?"

"Hard not to," Emu says dryly. "It feels like having wool pulled over me. Comfy but obscuring. It's how I know that you're being considerate of me."

Parad looks away, heat crawling up his neck. "I didn't want to trouble you."

 _I don't want to be a burden to you,_ goes unsaid.

"You're not a burden," Emu states firmly, the indignation in his eyes a flare in the cool night. Parad can sense a tug from the bond and knows that he can no longer muffle his stray thoughts. "For that matter, trouble me. I _want_ you to trouble me."

The wind blows at that moment and he tucks Emu under his chin, trading warmth and lets the wind fills the space instead of words.

Parad remembers when the hours turned late and he was alone with his thoughts; the darkness around him thick and unyielding, made all the more apparent when juxtaposed against the lonely city lights in the distance as he stood at the balcony and it had seemed so impossibly far away. He remembers feeling very, very small.

He remembers feeling very, very tired.

And how can he ever think on letting those thoughts drag Emu down too? It's enough that only Parad has to waddle through them and drown.

The bond spikes before the world suddenly tilts and he's on his back on Emu's bed while the doctor pins him down. It takes him a moment to realise that Emu teleported them (an ability Emu has since developed for being Patient Zero) and by then, Emu is straddling him with their faces only mere inches from one another.

The flare in those eyes is a roaring inferno now and Parad lets himself get caught in the flames— he knows he won't burn.

There's no exchange of words— just emotions; pure and raw as the bond spirals and crashes and rises amidst the beating of their hearts. Submerging themselves completely into the bond is not something they do often because of the unrivalled intensity that they'd experience as their minds and hearts merge into the singularity. It's to be completely vulnerable and at each others mercy; something that can't be done without complete trust in each other and the fact that it's _Emu_ who instigated it shows how far they've gotten since they were enemies.

Unrestrained; he feels every bit of Emu's emotions as well as his own. Their fears of losing the other. The desire to unapologetically stand by the other's side. The sadness of seeing the other in pain. The yearning to have the other happy and safe and _home._

Two bodies. Two hearts. Two minds.

One soul.

They separate and left gasping for breath. There are tears streaming down his face and when blinks up, Parad can see that Emu is much the same; a warm comfortable weight on him as they settle back into themselves.

"One day," he whispers, raising a trembling hand to wipe away the tears in Emu's eyes. "I'll be strong enough to carry my sins on my own."

Forehead creasing, Emu shifts until he's cradling Parad's face in his hands. "Parad..."

He can hear the warning; the plea and he gets it now. He _does_. But it's still something he rather not burden Emu with.

"It's not fair to you or anyone for that matter if you share the burden of my sins, Emu," he reasons, thumb brushing across a cheekbone and catches a stray tear.

"It's what I want," Emu protests, a stubborn tick in his jaw. "I don't just want to share the good things with you, Parad, but the bad things too."

"I know you feel responsible for me—"

"I _did_." While the fire is banked, the embers are still steadily flickering in those unwavering eyes and chasing away every chill that suffused him. "Initially, that's why I said about making up for your sins together but, it's not like that anymore. Not for a long time now."

"Then, why...?"

"Because I _care_ about you, you incorrigible imp! S _o much_ that it physically _hurts_ me to see you in pain," Emu growls out and the bond flares up to prove his point. "I don't want you to go through life alone." Tension easing out, Emu sighs and leans his forehead against his. "If possible, I want to be by your side every step of the way."

"I want that too, more than anything," he chokes out as he wraps his arms around Emu. "I just thought that...I need to be someone who deserves to be at your side first, y'know?"

"You've already proven yourself a long time ago, Parad," Emu mumbles against his neck, returning the hug. "I _want_ you here with me."

Parad sighs, staring up at the ceiling. "I feel like I should be doing _more_."

"What you're doing now is more than enough." Emu pulls away from his neck to pin him with an earnest gaze and Parad can feel Emu using their bond to amplify his sincerity. " _You_ are enough."

And he caves because how can he deny _Emu_ in the face of such trust and faith? Parad knows that Emu won't hesitate to plunge them into the bond again if it means helping Parad understand the depth of his devotion— knows if they go under again as he is now, he'll come undone.

Taking a deep breath, he nods and feels himself go breathless at the smile Emu gives him; warm and tender with all the things that makes Houjou Emu his one and only.

Who's he kidding? Parad came undone a _long_ time ago.

It's moments like these when they're so close; when they're at their most vulnerable and real that Parad has to shut his eyes because of how much he wants to bridge the gap between them and just kiss Emu until they're both breathless.

But he's still...he can't—

"Yes, you _can_."

Without warning, Parad feels the turtleneck of his sweater being pulled up to cover his mouth. Snapping his eyes opened, Parad sees Emu smiling at him; sweet and bashful before he tilts his head to press their lips together in a kiss.

He inhales in surprise and stares at the opened, challenging gaze of his partner.

Despite the clothed barrier between their mouths, Parad can still feel the shape and warmth of Emu's lips against his own. There's a hand against his jaw and he can feel Emu slowly, gently tugging the turtleneck down with a question in his eyes.

And he wants to. Oh, how he wants to just tear down every single barrier between them.

It's not even a physical need or even that of lust—

It's just what _is._

Because what they have goes beyond every single level of intimacy that nothing physical or otherwise can ever compare. It goes beyond lust or romance or whatever synonym to those things that trying to even put it into words will only just give Parad a headache.

How can he even begin to describe something that is beyond his very identity— of a bond; of a love that is beyond definition itself?

His heart. His soul. His everything. His home.

His Emu.

Hand shooting up to wrap around Emu's wrist, Parad takes a shuddering breath and shakes his head. "...Not yet."

For a long, weighing moment, Emu stares at him with that unflinching gaze before his eyes soften in understanding.

"Not yet," Emu agrees and rolls off to flop beside him.

But the doctor doesn't go far as Emu wraps Parad in an embrace that he can't hope to escape...not that Parad wants to, of course. Once satisfied, Emu snuggles into the crook of his neck and sighs in content.

Smiling, he tugs the turtleneck back down and shifts until he can wrap his arm around Emu's shoulders to bring them closer still.

"Parad."

"Hm?"

"One day," Emu begins, hand above Parad's heart. "One day, kiss me with everything we are— kiss me with no end and no beginning."

 _'It's the same for me too,'_ Emu whispers within their bond. ' _My heart. My soul. My everything. My home_.'

_'My **Parad**.'_

And he lets out a sob.

"I will," Parad promises once he can work through the lump in his throat, throwing an arm across his burning eyes.

There are drops of warm tears on his skin as Emu kisses his jaw. "Together?"

Shifting until he has Emu tucked under his chin, Parad brings them close and clasps one of their hands together that lay between them; right above their synchronised hearts. Vanishing their sandals back to the balcony, he tangles their legs together. Parad then uses his telekinesis to drag the comforter over them and presses a kiss on Emu's forehead.

"Together."


End file.
